remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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