Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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