so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
