Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
