Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
