i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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