i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
