Is that why you're texting me
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...