The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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