Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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