life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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