We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
