Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
