so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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