She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
