Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
