ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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