i may or may not be watching the land before time
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
