I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
