apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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