I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
