I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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