Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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