Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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