I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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