please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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