Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
