Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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