I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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