A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
