My room smells like vodka and shame
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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