I wish my penis had an off switch
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
