Soap is not a condiment
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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