i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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