so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
