I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!