oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
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You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
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I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
All I want is dick and wine.