ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!