My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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