I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
