it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I believe in your delicious
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
