I like to think it a success when the cops are called
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
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