why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
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