My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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