cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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