just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
