Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
