i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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