Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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