I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i barfeds in our rink
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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