I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
we're so committed to being not committed