I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
