if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
