I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
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Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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