How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
