hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
