Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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