: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
