u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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