I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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