Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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