Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
